Is moving to Europe lonely?
How to make friends abroad.
A dear old friend from high school just came through Austin and wanted to take Roberto and me to lunch to discuss moving abroad. We were delighted to join him. Chris and his wife live in Houston, and they’re considering making the leap to Europe.
Chris asked us many questions about moving, both practical and philosophical, but one I hadn’t heard before was “What’s it like to get on the plane knowing you don’t know a single person in your new town?”
Great question. Many people can picture themselves strolling through a beautiful countryside in France, but how do you survive without friends? Plus, in middle age or after retirement, is it still possible to make deep, personal connections?
Moving to a new city without a community already in place is a giant leap of faith: faith in your own ability to meet new people and faith that they will be worth knowing. Chris and I agreed that this leap is easier if you have done it before. As a kid his parents moved him from southern Louisiana to Dubai (talk about culture shock!). He then went to high school (with me) in Austin, so before he reached the age of 18, he had already started over twice.
Roberto’s childhood was even more nomadic. His father was in the navy and they moved every 3-4 years. I can’t say that he enjoyed constantly being the new kid in class, but he has a fearless spirit which allowed him to move to Borneo in 2010 to work on designing a hospital.
I myself have always suffered from an acute case of wanderlust. I have moved to cities where I knew no one at least six times. But I can’t lie. As I get older, making good friends gets harder and harder, and as I’m sure you know, nurturing the friendships you already have is difficult enough with everyone so exceedingly busy with work, family, and kids (I blame you, high school sports teams).
Chris told me that the concern about making friends is his wife’s primary concern about moving. I wasn’t surprised. A: Chris is extraordinarily extroverted and everyone is shy in comparison. B: Female friendship is a mysterious and vital part of a woman’s life.
When I moved to Los Angeles I was worried I wouldn’t find the same amazing group of women I had had in New York. Ten years later, when I moved back to Austin, I had the exact same worry. I had made so many incredible female friends in L.A.—how would I survive without them? And now after ten years in Austin, I have new fabulous friends that I am afraid to leave behind for France.
This pattern assures me that there are people in Montpellier who one day will become so intrinsic to my life that I’ll think, “How did I not know this person before? I can’t possibly move away from them!” I remind myself that there are friendships waiting for me that I can’t fathom yet.
Here are some tips on making friends abroad:
Find out where the expats are. Some people arrive in a new country and swear off other Americans, which is a mistake. I am all for meeting the locals, but when you first arrive in a new country you don’t even realize how stupid you are. The other Americans have been there, done that. They can help you. Plus, chances are they already have a Facebook group. In Montpellier we have American in Montpellier, Expat Women of Montpellier, Expats Montpellier, and Expats Move to France, just to name a few. I have used these groups to ask about everything from visas, to strikes, to finding a plumber. Don’t deprive yourselves of the people in the same boat as you.
Be open. When you don’t have an existing community you will find you have a lot more time on your hands. Spend some of this new-found time on new experiences and new people. We’ve had several strangers reach out to us through this blog and ask us to join them for drinks and dinner, and we do! In Austin, I always feel pressed for time and am much more likely to say no to plans with new people. One of the joys of traveling is saying yes to things you wouldn’t normally do.
Learn the language! Why have you moved abroad if you aren’t interested in learning new things and meeting the local residents? I have written about not being able to become truly French but I am determined to have French friends (and not just the ones who speak English). This will mean years of hard work on my part, but learning new stuff is great for our brains. Think how much more useful and rewarding it will be than Wordle.
Make the first move. If you have met someone interesting ask them out for coffee. Coffee is simple and safe and can last anywhere from twenty minutes to three hours.
Create your own group around your interests. Last fall Roberto and I put out an open call on the Montpellier Facebook group for people interested in joining a pickers’ circle, which is simply an evening of musicians getting together and taking turns playing songs. Whether it’s playing golf, hiking, or collecting stamps you should reach out to like-minded people.
Keep up with your friends in the States. Staying in touch with people who aren’t in the same city can be challenging, but it is extremely do-able. Zoom and What’s App are game changers. Roberto and I like to make dates with friends online. We pour ourselves a drink and call it happy hour and it is delightful.
People will visit. The moment you tell people you are moving to France they will say, “I can’t wait to come visit you!” Don’t worry, they won’t all show up at your door with a suitcase, but some certainly will. And then you get to spend really solid time with them, as opposed to that quick lunch every six months.
Remind yourself that friends have seasons. Maybe you have lost touch with that fabulous kid you met at summer camp, but weren’t they vital to you at the time? Do you regret the friendship? Of course not. And who knows what could happen? My best friend from theater school in 1997 is British but has ended up living outside of Toulouse. For twenty years I barely saw him and now I get to see him all the time!
The most important part of making deep friendships is the time commitment that goes into truly getting to know a person. As young people you have hours and hours of time to sit around a dorm or dinner table and discuss important things like, “Would you rather sleep with Robert Redford or Paul Newman?”*
I am gregarious and can meet people quickly, but it takes a long time before I really open up and share my deeper self. Great friendships are based on trust and trust takes time. Luckily, you are in a new place and have all the time in the world.
Jusqu’à la prochaine fois (until next time)
Carolyn & Roberto
*My friend Emily had the best answer to this: “As a girl I wanted to sleep with Robert Redford, but as a woman I prefer Paul Newman.” She said this at 18.
This is a nice piece with a lot of great advice. I agree that one shouldn't ignore the huge friendship opportunities offered by other expats. I've never really been part of an "expat community," but have still made some good friends through that common bond.
I have an additional suggestion that has worked very well for us in Nice - join the Accueil des Villes Françaises. I understand there is one in Montpellier as well as other cities throughout France. If they are anything like the AVF in Nice, there are tons of activities including weekly hiking, exercise classes, language lessons, cooking lessons, a variety of outings including visits to local farms, truffle hunting, quiz night, etc. AVF is for all people moving to that particular city - so any and all foreigners as well as French people. We have met a ton of people through AVF in a very short period of time. I highly recommend this group.