The Comfort of Other Expats

Social life in France

Carolyn and I are different in an important way. I’m more of an introvert than she is. I have friends I love and whose company I seek out, but I am perfectly happy to spend lots of time alone (with my wife and my dog). Carolyn recharges herself in the company of others; I exhaust myself, even though I’m having a good time.

When we first set up home in Montpellier I was wary of the expat groups. I thought building a social circle of English speaking Americans and Brits would make me lazy about learning French, and I didn’t want to get caught up in the cliques or drama that I assumed existed.

Our wee tree.

As an introvert, my default instinct is to protect my personal time. I can’t work legally in France so when we are here I have tons of time to do the things I love: playing guitar, riding bikes, hanging out at home with Carolyn, yoga, reading, drawing/painting, and walking with Woody. Why would I want to give up even a second of that?

In a good relationship, our partners make us better versions of ourselves. Carolyn is the driver of our social life. We have friends here because of her. I particularly enjoy our friends who are French/Expat couples. We can have detailed conversations because they speak great English—the expat half of the couple is usually struggling like us to learn French, and they can commiserate with us about whatever we find baffling this week in France (why is there so little cinnamon in a roule cannelle (cinnamon roll)? Why aren’t the capers shelved next to the pickles and olives in the grocery store? In turn, the French half of the couple can grouse about the weirdness of America/Americans (i.e. their partner). There’s always a lot of laughter on both sides of these conversations.

Buying cheese for our Christmas dinner. The market was swamped with people getting ready for huge family dinners.

When I’m out walking and I hear people speaking English, I’ll sometimes ask casually, “Where are y’all from?” (I actually say “y’all"). This has paid off every time I’ve done it. Sometimes it yields a short conversation there in the street, sometimes we exchange contact information. Most recently I “y’all-ed” a young couple from Canada who (it turns out) had just closed on the purchase of an apartment in Montpellier! We ended up getting together for coffee a few days later and I went to see their new space, which they’re planning to renovate substantially. I’m sure they’ll end up being a part of our social circle in Montpellier.

This is a very social time of year, in the last two weeks we have:

• Attended a large birthday party at a friend’s apartment,

• Had a group dinner with two couples we like (starting with cocktails and apero at chez nous!),

• Enjoyed dinner out with another French/Expat couple (again starting with drinks at our house),

• Enjoyed a night of cocktails and appetizers with our language tutor (who we adore!)

• Taken our former neighbor and his partner to lunch (we recently purchased his small studio (more about which anon, we promise)

• We’ll be hosting an expat/expat couple on Christmas day for cocktails, games, food, movies.

People, and in particular the expat community, have been incredibly friendly, generous, fun, and touchingly empathetic about our poor, sweet Rudy. After the election we took solace in the company of politically like-minded expats at the local pub and while we didn’t discuss politics at all it was a comfort to be around people with a similar background.

Carolyn found this cute tiny buche de Noel for us to try. This rolled cake is everywhere during the holidays.

I was wrong to be so guarded about making expat friends (I’m still wary of the group meet ups, but that’s just the introvert in me protecting myself from the tyranny of the regularly-occuring obligation). I’m astounded that we meet so many people who are the right mix of interesting, empathetic, and adventurous. That shouldn’t surprise me; if you’re willing to undertake the craziness of moving to a new country you probably have something interesting ticking under the hood. As I said, Carolyn is the main driver of our social life in France and our lives are better for it. (I’m into it, but I don’t make the plans - I make the food!) If you’re abroad, be welcoming to the other expats—it’s part of the adventure, it’s comforting to have connections, and it won’t preclude your making local/native friends.

Joyeaux Noël and Merry Christmas!

Roberto & Carolyn