Will you move abroad with me?

A Valentine's Day Special

Valentine’s Day 2020 (mere days before the pandemic began!)

Roberto:

For today’s newsletter, Carolyn has asked me to discuss what makes a good partner for moving abroad. I’m certainly not wise enough to have a universal answer, but here we go.

Carolyn and I are attracted to the same qualities in each other—we are complementary because we enjoy different aspects of a lot of the same things. We both love food and are adventurous eaters, but Carolyn doesn’t enjoy cooking, and I do. We both love travel, but I can’t stand the process of planning an itinerary and hunting for flights (to be fair, I wouldn’t say Carolyn loves doing that but she takes it on with gusto, where I run out of patience.) We both love movies, but Carolyn will research the director and talk about plot points that were influenced by earlier films; she’ll marvel at the technical mastery of a one-shot. I love hearing about it and seeing the movie through her eyes, but I would never chase that information down on my own.  

I could list many things that we enjoy in slightly different ways, we enrich the other person’s enjoyment with our own. Our sum is greater than either of us individually.

Early on, Carolyn and I identified a few quirks that were causing friction between us, some of which had to do with traveling together.  For instance, I am a high-stress traveler, especially on the flight to the destination. “Do you have your passport,” “Does your ticket say TSA pre-check?” “What gate are we speed walking to?” “I’d prefer to be 5 hours early for our 8:00am flight." The stress neurons firing off of me induce fission in my partner.  Of course, my stress evaporates as soon as we walk into our hotel room. I’m cracking jokes and saying, “Hey, let’s go for a hike!” Carolyn is not interested in a hike. She’s ready to rebook me into a separate room, it might take her hours to recover from my stress.

Luckily, couples therapy has enabled us to be aware of these issues and we’ve gotten better at traveling together. Therapy (and the pandemic) helped us remember how much we really do like each other and enjoy being together—and how much we trust each other.  I trust Carolyn to be all-in when we make a decision like this.  (You should see her studying French, she’s like a Kenyan marathon runner, she just doesn’t get tired or break stride. I’m pretty sure Duo Lingo is inventing new levels trying to stay ahead of her.) I trust her to respect that we’re in this together but we’re on individual journeys; we don’t have to match each other’s intensity level for language, or cooking, or French Gothic architecture. But we do have to show up every day for each other, committed to taking another step forward in building a life in a new country, and to be as invested as much in our partner’s enjoyment as our own.

That’s my answer to what makes a great companion, foreign or domestic.  Happy Valentine’s Day everyone, I hope you all feel as lucky and as loved as I do!

Carolyn:

A large part of what is allowing Roberto and me to jump into this new challenge is that we both know something that not a lot of Americans do: we are okay living outside the United States. Roberto spent a year in Indonesia and all told, I have spent around three years living in Europe. When living abroad there are many, many challenges to face, including home sickness, culture shock, language frustration, and redefining one’s creature comforts, but for me (and I now know, Roberto, too) the overarching thrills of novelty, beauty, history, and inspiration make up for everything else. 

This Valentine’s Day I am feeling very grateful for my husband. One of the advantages of getting married in your forties is that both people really know who they are and what they want. I’m so happy and relieved that I waited for a partner who is as excited and crazy enough to move to France as I am. 

When I’ve told friends that we’re planning on retiring abroad, several of them have said, “For years I have been telling my partner that I think we should do that, but they don’t agree.” Unfortunately, you can’t drag your partner kicking and screaming to a life abroad or you will both be miserable. There are too many hurdles and challenges to face, and you as the enthusiastic partner can’t take them all on. Your partner has to be willing and able to learn the language. They have to be ready for the big learning curve and all the red tape of a new government system. They have to be ready to face and accept the financial obligations. Are they willing to put themselves out there to make new friends? Will they not only face a trip to Ikea, but one with employees speaking another language? (This seems like the ultimate test of a marriage, and we’ll let you know how it goes).

There will be inevitable fights and tension when things get hard. While dealing with our apartment paperwork, Roberto and I have driven each other crazy, both insisting that we are the one that truly understands what each new documents means. The reality is that neither of us knows. We have to be able to stop griping and acknowledge that we are both anxious and clueless.

And we are the very beginning of the red tape.

Lockdown taught us all a lot about ourselves and our partners. Without realizing it, many of us got a sneak peek at retirement. I’m stuck in this house with you and neither of us has anywhere to go or anything to do. Thankfully, Roberto and I weathered it well. We learned that we really like each other’s company, but we are also very happy to be able to open the door and see an interesting new place and other people, even if they are French strangers. 

Happy Valentine’s to those who celebrate, and happy Galentine’s to those who nurture a dream of living a Golden Girls’ retirement in Barcelona. We look forward to visiting you.

Jusqu’à la prochaine fois  (until next time)

Carolyn & Roberto

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