What's Harder: Learning French or Housebreaking a Puppy?

Repetition, Occasional Small Victories, Smooth Flow When and Where You Want It

I hear “Non, non, non!” from my French tutor nearly as often as our puppy, Lady Bird, hears it from me as she “assumes the position” in our living room.

Lady Bird is cute but hard on the upholstery.

At least when I make a mistake in French, I don’t have to buy a new goddamn sofa/carpet/comforter. Learning French is definitely less expensive than house training a dog. That doesn’t sound right—what’s the cost of those weekly live tutor sessions, the DuoLingo subscription, and the latest Grammaire en Dialogues: cahier d’activites? We paid how much for two weeks of classes at Accent Français? I honestly don’t know which costs more, but neither puppies nor language learning are for the faint of finance.

Our cabinet of doggie toys, medications, treats, and grooming accessories.

It has been a stressful couple of weeks at chez Roberto et Carolyn. We are on the verge of finishing yet another bottle of Nature’s Miracle, and the clutter of the accumulated doggie detritus (plush toys, crates, treat contraptions for doggie distraction, barriers, blankets, etc) is offending my sense of order. Our paper towel and white vinegar budgets are exploding, there are endless loads of laundry—it’s stressful, it feels like all the burners are set to high simmer and the place is heating up! By dinner time we have begun blaming each other. By 8:30 we can barely summon the will power to take the dogs outside for the 300th time that day: it’s too hot, I already have a dozen mosquito bites, we JUST went outside three minutes ago. Isn’t it your turn? It’s almost as dry-eye exhausting as the twelfth “Speak” exercise on DuoLingo as I try to climb back into the Diamond League while I still have a 3X points bonus.

DuoLingo has found a trick that works to keep me learning, even when I want to stop. Is “doom-learning” a thing?

During an afternoon bike ride last week I was practicing French in my head (and a little out loud—there’s nobody around) when I realized that I couldn’t remember how to conjugate voir in the present tense. I berated myself: that’s a foundational verb, I’m getting nowhere, in two years I’ve learned nothing. Self-flagellation and the sense of having undertaken a hopeless mission consume me for the next ten miles. It was the same feeling I had earlier the same day cleaning up Lady Bird’s most recent accident. That morning she had barked to let me know she wanted to go outside. I took her out and she did her business on the grass. (Success! We’ve finally got this!) Fifteen minutes later I found a yellow puddle in the kitchen. Is my dog a little slow? We are getting nowhere. It’s too hard and everyone is confused. Another hopeless mission. This is probably Carolyn’s fault, somehow.

Il faut du temps, c'est normal. My tutor says this to me at least once per lesson when my frustration starts to show. I say it to myself each day as I reach for the red spray bottle and fast-depleting roll of Bounty. (By the way, if you want an excellent French tutor, reach out Aicha: aicha.louzir@gmail.com )

The clutter and barricades are all dog-related. We are tidy people, normally. Carolyn put on a red hat and chanted “build the wall!” when I put up the fence.

For Lady Bird’s training and my French, I trust that one day it will all click and we won’t create messes everywhere we go. We’ll both make it look effortless but everyone will know there were unspeakable disasters and considerable expense behind the scenes.

Jusqu’à la prochaine fois (until next time),

Carolyn & Roberto

---