Tutoyer vs. Vouvoyer
When is it time to take the big leap?
Today’s post is about language but it is also about the nuances of new relationships. When we are in France, all of my and Roberto’s relationships are new, so we are constantly trying to navigate the subtleties.
Most romance languages have formal and casual versions of “you.” In Spanish one says usted or tù , in Italian lei or tu, and in French you say vous or tu. Like many people, I learned about vous and tu in my beginning French class in high school. I was taught that one should use vous for people of authority, people in shops, and generally anyone you don’t know very well. Tu is for friends and family. The equivalent in English is probably moving from Mrs. Franklin to Aretha.
Here is Larry David discussing usted vs. tu.
The reality of the rules for these words is much more complicated and subtle than I learned in high school. The two forms also mark the quality of the relationship and/or the positions (social, hierarchical, power or influence, etc.).
I always use vous when I’m walking around town running errands. From the guy at the cheese shop to the girl selling gelato, everyone is vous. The only stranger I would call tu would be a child or perhaps a cute dog on the street. Even if the gelato girl is sixteen I use “vous” to recognize her position as a person serving me. Using the casual form can lead people to think that you don’t respect them. (I am still a bit in the dark about the cut-off point between Madame (ma’am) and Mademoiselle (miss), so I tend to err on the side of Madame.)
It turns out the French have a very specific term for the transition between people from the formal to the informal: tutoyer (pronounced too-twa-yay). It means, literally, "to address with the pronoun ‘tu.’” So if you are ready to take that big step with a friend you might say on se tutoie? (Do we use “tu” with each other?) or in a more formal way: Est-ce que je peux vous tutoyer? (May I use “tu” with you?). The opposite is vouvoyer (voo-vwah-yay) as in Ma mère vouvoie encore son père. (My mother still says “vous” to her father.)
The complication arrives when one has met a new person that is a potential friend. How many times must you hang out with them before they become a tu?
There is a bar on our street that I love called Trigger. At least once a week I go in at five o’clock with my laptop, order an old fashioned, and sit and write for an hour. The owners bartend themselves every night, and they are delightful. When I walk in they say Bonjour, Madame. Comme d’habitude? (Hello, Ma’am. The usual?). They even grab my favorite chair and place it at the bar. But I have never tutoyer-ed them. They call me vous since I am the customer and always will unless I initiate the change. But when is it time for me to ask? Is it common for customers to ask or do the owners prefer the delineation between staff and clients?
Our British friend Simon told me that after eight years of knowing each other, he asked his postman if they could tutoyer and the postman said, “Non, monsieur!” He was even affronted at the prospect. He is the worker, and Simon is the resident. Period. For Americans who see potential friendships at every turn, this is bizarre.
There is no lesson on this in French 101. My friend, the fabulous novelist Sherry Thomas, wisely told me, “The French know. We do not. Wait for them to initiate the change.”
This seems wise and will keep us from trampling on any toes, and, as usual, we hope for a little leeway based on being “Dumb Americans.”
My worry has primarily been of using the informal tu too soon, but it turns out you can also offend someone with the use of vous. (Of course you can. if the French see a chance to be indignant they seize it!) The use of vous shows respect, but it also shows distance. If a young person uses vous with me, it might make me feel older than I am. This is a bit similar to the American use of “ma’am” and “sir” for elders. (And not so different than if I board a bus and some 30 year old offers me his seat. I am totally offended!)
Additionally, if you have a friend who is using tu and you continue to use vous, that could also be distancing and off-putting.
Interestingly, the French speakers in Quebec use tu much quicker than any other Francophone country, probably due to the influence of the English speakers that surround them. It is common for waiters and cashiers to use tu with their customers and it signals friendly service as opposed to intimacy.
There has also been a movement in France to bring the use of tu into the workplace. It is very controversial (Only the French could manage to stir up anger over a change in language.)
The Local, a French newsletter for foreigners that I subscribe to, talks about how the change to the informal in the workplace is mostly a generational difference. An 18-year-old waitress said, "People feel more comfortable with tu and that's why in my work place, between me and the other waiters and waitresses and even my supervisors we always use tu, it makes the work atmosphere more chill and comfortable."
Makes sense. Younger Americans are more likely to call a stranger “dude” or “bro.”
But age is not the only issue. The Local article also says “Alex Alber, professor of sociology at the University of Tours has published research showing that although women very rarely refer to their immediate superior at work at tu, seven out of 10 men do.”
What?! That makes me want to tutoyer every fucker I see.
So now I also have to factor sexism into the equation when trying to figure all of this out? Zut alors. Je suis fatiguée. (Damn it. I’m tired.)
Let me know in the comments if you have experience with this—si vous avez de l’expérience avec ça (if we have never met) or si tu as de l’expérience avec ça (if we are old friend). We need all the help we can get.
Jusqu’à la prochaine fois! (until next time!)
Carolyn & Roberto