Orange is the New Blah, Part Deux

My ongoing quest for a French phone number.

In my last entry about trying to obtain a French mobile number, I ended with us waiting to receive our SIM cards in the mail. On September 21st I’d mailed a deposit check (written by our French real estate agent and friend, Agnès) to the Orange telephone company in Lille.

I assumed the check would take 2-3 days to arrive in Lille. Lille is 600 miles from here, about the distance from Houston to Amarillo, and 3 days is the longest a letter would ever take to cross Texas. A week later I hadn’t heard anything. Nervous that Orange had rejected a deposit check written by someone else, I called Shenaz, who works at the English-speaking desk at Orange.

She assured me that it was perfectly normal for a check to take 8-10 days to arrive and that it would take even more time for Orange to process it. How wonderful. And how sensible of Orange to not accept credit cards or cash as a deposit at any of its physical locations.

I thanked her and I continued to wait. On October 5th I received an email from Orange saying "We are pleased to confirm your contract." Not "Your SIM card is on its way" — just "Hey, even though you have been paying for internet service for two months, we now believe you are a real person." Gee, thanks.

Later that day Shenaz emailed me an actual, true to God French phone number, and she said it was mine. ALL MINE. That is, it would be mine once the SIM card arrived and I used the QR code that came with it to activate the eSim on my iPhone. (The iPhone 14 and 15 no longer support physical SIM cards).

I had an actual number though, so the SIM card had to arrive any second, right?

We waited. And waited, checking the mailbox several times a day. In the meantime, we continued to have issues with delivery men wanting to text us and the bank needing to validate our French address by sending an SMS code to a French phone.

Our perpetually empty mailbox.

On Monday October 9th I was out of town visiting friends when Roberto texted and said the SIM card had arrived! (Nearly three weeks after I had mailed the deposit check). I got home late in the afternoon and barely said hello to Roberto as I raced for the SIM card. I leafed through everything in the envelope. There was a SIM card attached to a tiny piece of cardboard. There was a letter saying Welcome to Orange. There was no QR code.

I checked the papers over and over again. I checked my emails from Orange. I Googled the problem. Finally, Roberto told me to put everything down and have a drink before I ruined the dinner he had made. Fair enough.

The next morning, I called Shenaz, and for the first time she didn’t answer! Instead, her colleague tried to help. The woman was clearly not happy to be working the English help line (perhaps it is a punishment for bad sales numbers). She told me sharply that I needed to go on the app, and within my "customer area" (which sounds a little dirty), I would find the option to order an eSim.

I went on the website and, friends, I spent no less than 2.5 hours trying to find the motherf@&*ing link where I could order an eSim card. It simply didn’t exist. I emailed Shenaz toward the end of the day: Hello, Shenaz, I have searched the entire Orange site and I cannot find a place to order my eSIM card. This is what I see when I open my personal information page:

She wrote back: Hello Carolyn, Can you please take my call?

My phone had not rung. I will give you one guess which number she was calling.

Yep. My French cell phone number. The one that was not activated. Because I didn’t have an eSim card. Which is why I had emailed her.

uhhhhh

The next day she sent me this photo (highlights are hers):

Please note that it looks nothing like the webpage I had access to. Searching Google again, I realized that I needed to be using the MOBILE app “Orange et Moi” to reach the screen she was showing me and not the browser app Orange.fr that I had been using. Phew. An answer! I went to iTunes to download the app and this is what I saw:

I informed Shenaz that I couldn’t download the app. I asked her if she could order the eSim on my behalf since she had access to the it. She replied, No. This is not possible. Hopefully you’ll find a way out. Kind regards, Shenaz

Me.

I then went down an epic rabbit hole figuring out how to change the region of my iPhone from the USA to France, which would allow me to download French apps. I did this, but I still couldn’t download the correct app. Turned out, I needed to change the region of iTunes and not the phone, and then I would also switch to a French method of payment (which, eureka, I had!)

I attempted to do this. However, I got stuck when it said, "You have active subscriptions that must be canceled before you can change your iTunes region." One of those was my iMusic subscription, but it wouldn’t expire until the end of the month, so I figured I could switch it back before I lost all my playlists, right? I guessed I only needed this dumb “Orange et Moi” app for five freaking minutes. I also had a Duolingo subscription and I would have been pretty pissed to lose my 437 day streak. But great news, I had paid for a whole year, so it wouldn’t expire until July of 2024!

So I canceled all my subscriptions and tried again. It still didn’t work. It told me I would have to wait until ALL of my subscriptions were expired before I could change regions. That meant JULY.

My head exploding.

Roberto happened to come home just as I read this. My iPhone was flying across the room and barely missed his head.

Not true. But he was treated to a litany of curses that was like South Park meets The Wire.

I gave up for the day.

The next morning I went to the Orange store in central Montpellier. I waited in line, trying to keep my cool so I would not begin my interaction with ton enterprise est vraiment foutu “your business is completely fucked." Sitting down with a friendly mademoiselle, I explained calmly that I had a problem très specifique et très bizarre. “I have to have the Orange mobile app to get a QR code, but without a QR code I can’t get a French number to get the app.”

She had never encountered the problem before, but she quickly pulled up my account on her computer screen. Within seconds I could see the link for ordering an eSim card. I lunged for the computer, crying Cliquez-là! Cliquez-là! “Click there!!" Success was SO close I could taste it. Everything seemed to turn to slow motion as she clicked on the "Order eSim" button. A window popped up and the girl said, Oh non, madame.

Putain de merde. I am so sick of hearing Non, Madame. “What is it?” I asked through gritted teeth.

There is a 10€ charge for the eSim, she said.

I would have paid 1000€ at this point.

I agreed to the charge (which was auto-charged to my account), she clicked the button, and a second later a bright orange QR code appeared on the screen. I raised my phone camera to it, and within no time my eSim was registered and working.

I HAD A FUNCTIONING FRENCH PHONE NUMBER.

This woman had done what Shenaz had told me was impossible: she’d logged into my account and ordered the eSim for me. WHY WAS THAT SO HARD, SHENAZ??

It had been almost two full months since I applied for the number. I wanted to do bourbon shots with this woman.

I was ready to leave, but I knew I had to ask her one more question — a question I was dreading. I whispered the words, "My husband needs a French number, too. Will we have to go through the same process for him?"

Oui, Madame.

Will we have to send another deposit by check?

She shrugged. Who knows? Maybe. Maybe not.

I returned home and told Roberto everything. He studied my face and then said the exact right words: At this time I don’t need my own French phone number.

And thus we are still married.

Jusqù’a la prochain fois (until next time),

Carolyn & Roberto

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