Discussing Life Abroad
and general thoughts on conversation
“Tell me everything about living in France!”
Carolyn and I get question/statements like this all the time. The person then sits expectantly waiting, I suppose, for a brain dump of EVERYTHING about life in France. Part of me always thinks “Everything? Should I just refer them to our Substack?” But that would be unfriendly and more of an impediment to conversational flow than the original question.
We also get a lot of questions like these:
What’s the best thing about life in France?
What’s the hardest thing about moving to Europe?
What do you miss most about the US?
It’s truly exciting and flattering when people are interested in what Carolyn and I are doing - they’re expressing interest in our lives and possibly trying to figure out how to jump into a similar adventure. Questions like this are the whole reason we started Escape Hatch France!
One of our nephews recently did a university semester abroad in Australia. When we saw him over the holiday break we could see a difference - he was more confident, he dug into conversations with a new enthusiasm, he had stories he wanted to tell and experiences he wanted to share. All of a sudden there was something adult about him that had to do with personality and worldliness, rather than the physical changes that were the primary markers of approaching adulthood during his high school years.
Before he left for Australia, Carolyn warned him, “When you get back, people aren’t really going to ask you about your time abroad.” This was based on her own experience returning from Europe after attending theater school in France and literally touring the world with her theater troupe and one-woman shows. People might ask a polite question or two but there was a surprising paucity of questions considering the bonkers-level audacity of what she had actually done: physical theatre school!? In French . . . in Paris?! You wrote whole shows and performed them in Europe, North America, and Australia?!
I don’t believe lack of questions reflects a lack of curiosity. People are naturally curious and humans are wired for connection and a desire to learn. My first guess was that Americans just don’t travel much and so don’t know what to ask - but that’s wrong, it turns out that:
Three-quarters of people in the US have visited at least one foreign country,
Half of all Americans have visited between 2-4 countries
One-quarter of Americans qualify as “globe trotters” having visited five or more countries!
Those are better numbers than I expected! (Though I fear a lot of people in the one foreign country group have only spent a bacchanalian weekend in one of Mexico’s resort cities.) Mexico is far and away the most popular foreign country for Americans with 39 million visits a year, #2 on the list (Canada) has less than half that many annual visits.
But I digress.
The problem with the questions I listed at the beginning of this post is that they are too broad. “What surprised you about the food in France?” (for example) is a much smaller question and it signals that this is going to be an actual conversation with some back and forth. When I’m meeting someone new or I’m talking to someone at a party, I try to avoid questions built around superlatives “What’s the best…”, “What’s the worst…”, “What was the most…”. These questions always land like a pop-quiz, slamming on the conversational brakes as the recipient tries to decide what was objectively the best/worst/most thing.
Specific questions are (paradoxically) more open, and the best ones reveal something about the asker. “What’s something that surprised you about the food in France?” tells me that this person is interested in food - I can talk about buying pots, pans, and appliances for our new apartment, the comparatively low cost of food in the markets and grocery stores, the amazing fruit, the Michelin Star restaurants we tried, the frightening assemblages that pass for “tacos” in France - it’s a great question!
Similarly, one might ask “Did you discover any French music or bands that you like?” Okay, now I know this person is interested in music; I can talk about the open mic we went to, or the day I saw multiple New Orleans style jazz bands marching in the street, or the buskers in the public squares, or the day in my French class when we talked about Johnny Hallyday (not a fan) and Django Reinhardt (love him!), or the movie Carolyn and I watched about Edith Piaf, or even the French drag show we went to. And it’s easy to follow up my answer with a question about them. “Is there a French or international musician you particularly like?”, “Do you sing or play an instrument yourself?”
The few self-help books I have read deal with conversation, connection, manners, and creativity. I hated the very famous Dale Carnegie book, How to Win Friends and Influence People, it reads like a manual for insincere people who want to trick someone into liking or trusting them. The book speaks from a transactional view of the world, like a textbook to help sociopaths pass as ordinary people. On the advice of a friend I bought a copy of How to Talk to Anyone, by Leil Lowndes. It approaches the subject from a business/success point of view but I like that it’s about how to connect with people and presumes that the reader is operating from a position of sincerity. I have always loved the books of collected letters to Judith Martin AKA Miss Manners (“Gentle Reader,” a phrase I often use to address our Escape Hatch France audience is something I borrowed from Miss Manners). The genius of Miss Manners is that she never forgets that manners exist to make other people feel comfortable and respected, not to make oneself feel superior. Conversation (and manners) should be an open gate, not a fence or a wall - they are inclusive, generous, and inviting practices.
We can’t wait to talk to y’all in person - somewhere, someday!
Jusqu’à la prochaine fois! (until next time),
Roberto & Carolyn
always t a pleasure to read your dare I say blog ?